Going THERE Part Two: Situations and Solutions – Special Occasions

When I came to the chapter on special occasions, it kept me offline for several months. I had to deal with the question, “Do I really want to talk about my family issues on my blog?” And the even deeper question of, “Do I really even want to go there myself?”

As I have munched on these thoughts over the past several weeks, I have realized that my coping mechanisms are fine for a while, but what I really want is freedom from the things that weigh me down…the things that make me overeat and binge in other ways. So I have chosen to go there. You may know where “there” is. It is that place where we all feel a little uncomfortable, a little vulnerable.

Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Passover, Hanukah, Three Kings Day…whatever holidays that bring families and food together in the words of my niece also bring out the “issues.” Why is it so hard to only have one small helping of green bean casserole or sweet potato pie? Is it really THAT good? Maybe. But it could also be that we overeat on these days because there is something else going on underneath, in that place where we try not to visit.

Going into a family situation can bring back all kinds of emotions, good, bad and ugly. For me, there has been a lot of ugly. Special occasions remind me of good times that I remember with a family that has since fallen apart – evaporated into thin air. They also remind me of being a late addition (step child) to a family where I was not welcome, an irritating obligation. Or Christmases watching my younger half brother receive mountains of gifts, while my older sister and I - products of a first marriage - received one small gift.

So how to deal with these feelings of despair…hmmm. For me it has been a process of deciding not to cover up/numb the pain but to fight. Why does that pain get to decide how my life turns out? So I search for truth and hope - and when I find them, I cling to them for dear life. And when that self-destructive behavior flairs up I try to remind myself that I have a choice.

My uncle taught me once that you cannot run away from your problems. They will always follow you. If you face them, you have a chance to heal. The day that I realized he was right was the day that I stood up to the one person that I knew could hurt me more than anyone else. When it was over and I picked myself off the metaphorical floor, I took a look around and realized that the world had not come to an end. Painful though it was, it left me with a sense that I can do anything that I put my mind to. Whatever may come my way in the future might equal that pain, but it could never be more painful – so I don’t need to be afraid anymore.

So with all that we have to go through in life, I think we owe it to ourselves to be healthy so that we can be ready to enjoy the good times, not just wallow in the memories of a past life.

Weight Loss Update: I am very thankful to report that a consistent routine of weight lifting, cardio and a low calorie diet over the past 8 months has resulted in an additional 11 pounds off this mamma’s body! This leaves me at my pre-pregnancy weight four months before my target month of December. If there is anybody out there still reading this, thanks for staying with me. I’m not going to quit because I’m a fighter and I hope you are too!

Preparing for Battle Part Two: Situations and Solutions – Snack Attack

The gloves are off! The snack attack is going down. In the last two weeks I have lost 10 pounds primarily by changing what and how I snack. If you want to talk about motivation, seeing results has given me all the motivation I need.

Julia Cameron views the snack attack as kind of like a “B” movie. It waits until your weakest moment and “eats you alive” (pun intended). It sabotages your best intentions to get healthy. So what do I do about it? I prepare for battle – pre-made snacks that are healthy, stem my particular cravings and still taste good. See below for a few lifestyle snack changes I’ve made.

Snacks I used to Have:
Fruit (banana, grapes, orange or Gala apple) – every day

Tortilla chips and salsa

Handful of Triscuits with cheese (cheddar)

Pretzels

Granola bar

Snacks I Have Now:
Granny Smith apple – once or twice a week

Fresh green beans, broccoli or carrots with garlic hummus

Lettuce wraps (green leaf lettuce, deli meat and honey mustard)

½ cup of low fat cottage cheese or two low fat mozzarella cheese sticks

A few almonds or pistachios

My success at replacing my favorite snacks with healthier ones has helped me to feel energized for more healthy change. I feel better after I eat them (no tummy ache or food hangover) and now the new snacks are becoming my new craving!

I do still allow myself an old snack once a week or on the weekends, but the difference is now I balance it out by having a more healthful dinner later on AND I watch the serving size. I used to have a “handful” of Triscuits as a snack, but what I didn’t realize is that I was having 2 to 3 times the serving size. I really don’t need that much. I am just as satisfied with 6 Triscuits. I don’t need 15!

It all comes down to a principle that my mom taught me many years back. Whenever I would go try to sit down with a bag of chips, she would tell me to grab a handful and put the bag away. If I wanted more I could get up and get more. Usually after the first handful I would realize I was full and would never get back up to get that second handful. Snacking consciously is what she was trying to teach me. Thanks for that one, Mom! You were right!

Doing the Math Part Two- Situations and Solutions: Sensible Eating

I never thought that I would ever sit down and calculate the number of calories that I have eaten in a day. But Friday that is exactly what I found myself doing. As much as I believe in “balance” instead of “dieting” the harsh reality is that the way my “balance” tends to materialize is “eat whatever you want and work it off later.” A philosophy that’s not really working for me anymore. With working a full time job during the day then coming home and being a full time wife and mom every evening…let’s just say that my 5 day a week workouts have turned into two days a week. So I am doing the math, Less Activity + Eat Whatever You Want = Time to Watch the Diet if You Want to Continue Fitting into Your Clothes.

Getting my diet under control comes down to eating less flour, eating less sugary stuff and just plain eating less. It calls for healthy portion sizes, making sure that I am really hungry before I sit down to eat and stopping when I get full. But also something that I learned in my search for a good calorie calculator is that it is important to know how many calories in the day should be carbohydrates. For me it is 700-800 calories. So when I took a look at the snacks/meals that I have been choosing, I realized that they are usually high in sugar (even if it‘s natural sugar) and or carbs (even if it’s whole wheat). Let’s just face it, too many carbs = belly fat. Time to bring on the lean protein and green vegetables.

Julia’s Cameron’s take on all this comes down to something that she calls “Clean Eating.” She explains herself in her chapter entitled, “What is Sensible Eating Anyhow?”

The philosophy is as follows: “…sensible eating, nothing too radical, nothing too strict. You eat lean when you eat moderately. You do not weigh or measure food, but you do need to be conscious of portion sizes. Stop binging on the deadly whites – sugar, flour, starches…start drinking lots of water. You eat three meals a day and two snacks, all modest in calories but not punitively so.” The biggie she leaves for last. “Clean food is food as close to its natural state as possible…That means crisp fresh vegetables and fruits, low-fat dairy products, lean proteins and whole grains.”

So my resolve this week is to keep Julia's advice in mind by keeping my carbs in check, making my snacks more balanced and making the most of my workouts, even if there are only two of them.

Inspiration Part One - Tool Seven: Body Buddy

When I called my friend, Jacque, a physically fit, athletic, successful realtor whom I have known for 10 years, to ask her to be my body buddy, I knew she was perfect for the job – emotionally available, someone I like and admire, someone I can trust. It also helps that she lives in another state. She isn’t able to catch me in the act. In the face of a snack attack, I can choose to call her or not. What I didn’t know at the time is how inspirational she would turn out to be.

The idea of a body buddy is simple, choose a support person whom you must email, call or tell by some other means what you ate throughout the day – every day. What an intimidating concept! Intrusive! It almost stopped me in my tracks. There would be no more secret snacks. I would have to bare all. It was time to be honest with myself as well as Jacque about what I was eating every day.

In the beginning, if I had a bad eating day I didn’t write. I felt embarrassed - not wanting to open myself up to be judged. But one night I decided to let her in to my dark day of eating instead of hiding under the cloak of shame. Jacque, proving herself to be the kickass friend that she is, wrote back to me about her blunders as well - even made me laugh a little. I started breathing a little easier that night – I am not alone. Nobody is judging me.

Even with her encouragement though, life caught up to me and caused me to slip up in the last month. I lost my job, my daughter wasn’t sleeping and I wasn’t sure if I would ever find the time/energy to journal again. Yesterday I was at a crisis point. Would I continue with this book and this blog or would I fall off the bandwagon? Then I got an email from Jacque checking in with me to see how my food journaling was going. How motivational! Amazing how one single email could jump start my failing drive. She remembered. She cared. She let me know that we are partners. We’re in this together. That was all I needed. I felt the motivation creeping up from deep inside me – I can do this.

Eaters Anonymous? Part One – Tool Six: HALT

According to Julia, when a person gets too hungry, too angry, too lonely or too tired, it makes them reach for what is comfortable – what helps them cope, alcohol for some, drugs for others, still others might choose a cheeseburger and fries. The first two seem to be a no brainer – “of course I would never turn to these things to help me cope with life!” But how often do we rationalize that third one?

When my daughter was born and I had to feed her every two hours, my body just seemed to shut down. I could hardly function without the sleep my body needed. I turned to sugar and caffeine – mochas. I cringe at the amount of money I know I spent on those daily 16oz mochas. So I could understand what Julia Cameron was saying when she wrote that when you get too tired you reach for what is going to bring you back up, what will keep you going.

What about eating after an argument? Or when you feel angry? One time recently when I was on my way to confront a situation that infuriates me, I caught myself shoving fries into my mouth at an alarming rate. I couldn’t believe it! I was eating my anger and anxiety.

Many people also struggle with getting too hungry – skipping meals because they are too busy or just plain forget to eat. Once they find food in front of them, it is a downhill struggle. Binging, then the inevitable food hangover here we come!

But the most surprising letter of the HALT acronym for me was the “L” for loneliness. “I don’t get too lonely,” I thought as I read the chapter. Then the thought struck me – I eat when I feel misunderstood. Being misunderstood IS a form of loneliness. Hmm, I had never quite thought of it like that before. Interesting. Food for thought as Julia would say.

So what if I write instead of eat in these instances of weakness? What creativity is lurking inside me being pushed down by my coping habits?

One night this week I gave into the urge to write something creative. When I finished, the snack attack was forgotten. My heart and my stomach felt very full. What I wrote is below for your reading pleasure. Bon Apetit!

The Many Faces of You

My most happy of angels didn’t come to me from the sky as a cherub does
She grew within my body and at once breathed a breath of life without my consciousness
As you and I grew in our awareness of this new world, my most precious delight,
Life was forever transformed into a world of beauty, most mysterious and joyful.

My favorite time of the day is actually at night, when you transfix me with your silliness.
How you try out all of the muscles in your face to understand how they work,
to make me laugh when what I am trying to do is put you to sleep.
Sleep, my sweet, let your eyelids rest over your sparkly eyes and I will see you again very soon.
Sooner rather than later, for it will still be dark when you call for me wanting milk and warmth and to be reminded of my love.

A love and a laugh that I did not own before I held your wiggly body as you try to discover something new,
never satisfied with the same old book or block or teddy bear.
You'll grow up some day and I will get to know so much more of your thoughts and desires, joys and triumphs.
And I will be powerless to your wiles, hoping always that you will grow to understand the best things in life and to avoid the worst.

Adventures in Culinary Creativity: Part One: Tool Five - Culinary Artist Dates

When I imagine a night out, I think of "guilty" fun. A high calorie appetizer or two, a couple of good tasting cocktails and a dessert with coffee. But the challenge from the Writing Diet was this: take yourself on a date and order healthy food. The key was to go to a new restaurant, order what you want and make yourself proud by keeping it healthy yet adventurous, Korean food one week and Ethiopian food the next.

The questions that this chapter got me asking myself were, "Do you trust yourself?" and "Can you eat right with no one around to keep you accountable?" The answers brought out in me a startling insight: I should be eating right for me not everybody else. How interesting to sit down at a restaurant alone, look at a menu and make myself proud with what I order. Even if nobody else knew if I were to over eat a high calorie meal, I would know. The person that I should be concerned about disappointing is me.

Checking out new restaurants or recipes, if you are on a budget like me, keeps the adventure in your diet without leaving you with the same old greasy food hangover. Julia Cameron, you are keeping me thinking, that is for sure.

Part One – Tool Four: 4 Questions - Gulp!

I could have done without that extra cupcake last night. I am feeling the weekend food hangover this morning. No excuses.

There were four questions that I was supposed to start asking myself this week. This is how it usually went over the last five days:

Am I hungry? Ummm…always. Is this what I feel like eating? That must be why I am holding it in my hand. Is this what I feel like eating NOW? Ummm…yeah. Is there something else I could eat instead? Now you got me. Yes, there is and I probably could do without this second cupcake, but I’m going to eat it anyway.

So the four questions were not too motivating for me.

Hunger was ever present, especially over the weekend. Whether it was out of boredom, habit or low energy I kept eating. And I chose all of the wrong things to fill my belly (which continues to remind me it is still there!).

But one thing I can be sure of, with every new morning comes a new day. And today I am going to do better. Promise.